NOBLE MOTHERS: ALISHIA ANDERSON
Here at The Noble Paperie, we want to become a brand that is more than just selling products. We want to support and inspire this community. And we want to do this by lifting up other women that are willing to share their journey through loss. These women are Noble Mothers: they are making an impact in the miscarriage, pregnancy and infant-loss, and infertility communities. We are excited to share our next Noble Mother with you — Ali Anderson. Below, you will find her story.
Ali’s headshot by MariaKatre
Motherhood was something I never dreamed of (per se) as a little girl. But, when my husband and I got married we decided we wanted to start a family. However, we did not start our family right away. We actually waited 3.5 years after saying our “I Dos” because we dated long-distance for 4 years (never living in the same state, county, city, or home until AFTER we walked down the aisle and jumped the broom) so we wanted those first few years to be just about us. We wanted to create a firm foundation of love, trust, peace, joy etc. before introducing a new dynamic into our relationship.
When we finally found out we were expecting in August of 2015 we were elated to expand our family. My pregnancy was amazing! I didn’t have any morning sickness, I had a beautiful pregnancy glow, and my body was growing at a steady rate to accommodate the baby I had growing inside me. For seven months everything was going forth without a hitch (regularly scheduled doctors’ appointments, a gender reveal party, purchasing items for the baby etc.) until I went to a standard routine appointment on Friday, January 15, 2016…A DAY I WILL NEVER FORGET!
That day I had a glucose test scheduled to examine if I had developed gestational diabetes. After downing the sugary drink I was called back to do an ultrasound. At the time, I was 28-weeks gestation. I was so excited to see my baby. I can still picture that ultrasound in my mind clear as day. The sonographer started showing us the anatomy of our munchkin but as she went through each body part she mentioned I didn’t have a lot of fluid around the baby. After saying that phrase twice, she said she needed to go get the doctor to have a look at my baby boy. When she said that my gut told me something wasn’t right.
Unfortunately my nightmare came true. When the sonographer came back into the room she cleaned the gel off my stomach and escorted my husband and me to a room across the hall where two doctors awaited us. One had a box of tissue so I knew it wasn’t going to be good news, but I wasn’t ready for what came next. “Your baby no longer has a heartbeat.” From there we were asked to make some tough decisions.
We decided I would go into the hospital the following day and be induced to deliver my firstborn son DJ (aka Derrek Jr). My labor actually took three days. On Monday, January 18, 2016 at 5:48AM an angel was born. The room was still and silent, but, it was the only place I wanted to be as I laid eyes on DJ for the first time. Getting a chance to love on my [stillborn] child made my heart dance. I still to this day cherish those few hours (we weighed him – 1.5oz, measured his length – 12in, took foot and hand prints, and had a photographer capture pictures of him and our family) we got to spend with DJ before saying our forever goodbyes. Before DJ was wheeled out our room we prayed for him and dedicated him back to God. We hugged and kissed him, told him we loved him and cried as bereaved mom and dad as the nurse removed him from our room for the final time.
Although my motherhood experience started off unsteady DJ will always be my firstborn son. I will always cherish his life and legacy. Because of him he lead me to be the mommy of my energetic 3.5 year old rainbow baby Grayson (whom I got pregnant with seven months after DJ’s delivery; Grayson was born six-weeks early, spending a week in the NICU), and my golden baby (a baby born after a rainbow baby) was born five-weeks early at 35-weeks, one day after my hubby’s 35th birthday, during our global pandemic of Covid-19. To say motherhood has been the ultimate challenge for me is an understatement. But I wouldn’t trade any of my story for the world, because it gave me three precious boys!
The Andersons - Derrek (husband), Gavin (newborn), Grayson (toddler), and Alishia. Photo taken by Ali’s Mom.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and 1 in 8 couples are walking through infertility. With so many women being affected by these issues, there is power in telling your story. What was the turning point for you to feel safe enough to share your own journey?
A. I shared bits and pieces of my story via my social media platforms right away. I initially shared my general message of loss on my platforms so I wouldn’t have to repeat the story of loss over and over again, as I was navigating the initial shock and sorting through my grief. Secondly, I shared my story quite early into my grief journey because sharing my story helped me transparently reveal my emotions surrounding the loss of my son; which ultimately helped me feel better (alongside: prayer, journaling, listening to music, therapy etc.). I found sharing my authentic story (even the tough parts) made me more relatable and allowed me to connect with people, especially baby loss families, on a deeper level.
Everyone grieves differently. What has helped you to heal and process your grief?
A. One thing I’m truly grateful for during my stay at the hospital where I delivered DJ was one of my nurses. She explained to me and my husband candidly that baby loss is tough. She told us off the bat: men and women grieve differently, so don’t get upset if we found ourselves grieving in two totally distinctive ways.
Another thing she told us was that it was ok to experience a gamut of emotions, but ultimately if we needed, not to be afraid to ask for help. Her God-sent wisdom helped me navigate my grief when I was released from the hospital. Other ways I grieved, which ultimately helped me down the path towards healing, was being in constant communication with God through prayer, reading devotionals that increased my faith, journaling – which ultimately led to me writing and self-publishing a book (Still Here: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Triumph After Stillbirth), listening to music that healed my soul, seeking out a therapist and going to therapy, along with just sitting in my grief and the range of emotions it was accompanied with, until I felt better.
Other ways I combat grief is by sharing my story in articles, on podcasts, on the news, at events as a speaker/presenter, or simply sharing about my story on my various social media platforms.
Was there ever a time someone said something insensitive to you about your pregnancy, pregnancy-loss, or infertility? Knowing what you know now, how would you respond?
A. People often say insensitive things after baby loss. Typically they don’t set out to offend you, but their lack of knowledge about baby loss causes them to use cliché phrases of loss that hardly make angel mamas feel better. Some of the common insensitive comments I received were:
At least you know you can have children
At least you can try again to have kids
At least DJ is in a better place
Why did your baby have to die? — asked by my seven year old nephew
Why haven’t you guys had children yet?
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t get so offended by insensitive comments, I would however, let people know they could replace the “at least” statements with a “I don’t know what you’re going through and I don’t know what to say but I’m here to listen.” Because you don't fully understand the full weight of baby loss unless you experience it firsthand.
Every woman who opens her heart to have children is a mother. What is your favorite thing about motherhood? What has loss or infertility taught you about motherhood?
A. The most rewarding thing about motherhood is realizing I’m entering into a lifelong partnership with my sons. As they get older, their need for me and my role will continuously evolve. It’s exciting to know I’ve been given the task to help guide my children along the way, no matter how long or short their time is on earth.
Hearing “mommy” out of my son’s mouth is a close second to the most rewarding part of motherhood. Loss has taught me empathy, and that there is no one clear-cut way to motherhood. Everyone gets to define it for themselves (and that's where the beauty lies).
Gavin's Newborn Shoot - Ali’s golden baby. Photo shot by Karin Fuire at SweetMePhotography)
How are you using your gifts to lift others up who are walking through pregnancy loss, infertility, or other pregnancy-related issues?
A. I’ve always loved to write (and talk lol). My third grade teacher told my mom one day I’d be an author and write my own book. 24 years later my teachers prediction about becoming an author came true. I wrote Still Here: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Triumph After Stillbirth
As a way to honor and carry on DJ’s legacy.
As a way to get all my jumbled feelings out and
To help parents (and even extended families and the community at large) following in my footsteps to eliminate the silence, secrecy, and shame of baby loss by sharing my story and encouraging them to do the same!
Grief and loss, especially with miscarriage, infertility, and pregnancy-loss, can feel very isolating. What is something you would say to yourself in the first days after your loss?
A. The day I found out DJ no longer had a heartbeat, I journaled my raw emotions (when I got home), I cried, then I said a prayer asking for peace throughout my grieving journey. And to my surprise I was granted peace. Although it didn’t shield me from the feelings that accompany grief, it allowed me to find silver linings throughout my grief journey. I would ultimately tell myself grant yourself grace. You will need it as you travel through the murky waters of grief. And don’t be afraid to sit in and experience your feelings, whatever they may be. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
My situation is not a unique one. 1 in 160 babies are born stillborn daily in the US. But my story is unique to me, as yours is unique to you. I want to close by sending you love and light as you travel down the difficult road of healing after grieving the loss of your precious angel baby. May you grant yourself grace and find your voice to share your story. You never know. You sharing your story might be another baby loss mom’s survival guide.
Read more of Alishia’s beautiful words
Below you will find a link to Ali’s book: Still Here: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Triumph After Stillbirth, which can also be found linked over at our Care Library, under recommended reading. This book would make an excellent gift to anyone who has experienced baby loss, family or friends who may not know the best way to support someone walking through baby loss, and of course it would make a great read if you have personally experienced the loss of a child.
Thank you, Noble Mother
Many thanks to Ali for having the strength and bravery to share her story with this community. If you would like to submit your own story for our Noble Mothers series, please fill out our submission by clicking the button below.
There is power in the story.
Here at The Noble Paperie, we want to continue to support our community while lifting others up. Are you a mama or do you know one who would be a good fit for our Noble Mothers series? Feel free to comment here, or drop us a line at hello@thenoblepaperie.com. We would love to hear what you think!
xoxo,
