NOBLE MOTHERS: CRYSTAL-GAYLE WILLIAMS
Here at The Noble Paperie, we want to become a brand that is more than just selling products. We want to support and inspire this community. And we want to do this by lifting up other women that are willing to share their journey through loss. These women are Noble Mothers: they are making an impact in the miscarriage, pregnancy and infant-loss, and infertility communities. We are excited to share our next Noble Mother with you — Crystal-Gayle Williams. Below, you will find her story.
I got pregnant within the first month of trying. I never knew pregnancy was that 'easy'. After the 12 week mark, I thought I was 'safe' and worried less. My pregnancy was textbook perfect… except for a little sciatica, but I have scoliosis, and I did yoga to relieve the pain.
In 2018, At 24+4 weeks, I started having stomach pain (which I was later told was rib pain), and it was later followed by vomiting, so I went to the General Practitioner. The GP requested that I do a scan as a stomach bug was going around and my blood pressure was fine. I didn't get to do the scan that same day, and the pain eventually subsided. The following evening, the pain returned and by the next morning, the vomiting followed. I went to do the scan and was told our baby, Damani, was sitting on a ligament, hence the pain. I took the results and went back to the GP. She did a urine test and a blood pressure test. My blood pressure was now high and protein was spilling out in my urine. She advised us to go straight to the hospital.
When we arrived, I went to Accident and Emergency (A&E) and was transferred to the Labor and Delivery (L&D), after I was told I had preeclampsia with severe features. They drew my blood and admitted me.
By the following morning, I was told my blood platelets and liver enzymes were not looking good, but they had improved since yesterday. I thought that meant a delay in delivery. I had also received a steroid injection the night before. The head doctor came and told me they had to deliver Damani that day (September 6), via emergency C-section as the placenta was killing me.
So I made the difficult decision to deliver and that evening, Damani was born.
I didn't get to see him in person until the day he passed away. I was planning on spending 3 months in the hospital, whatever it took, as I wasn't aware that babies died in the NICU. I always thought that was a place they went to get better. But I was wrong. The doctor said he was getting worse and if his heart stopped a third time, they would not want to resuscitate him. So, I said hello and goodbye to Damani on the same day. It has by far been the most heartbreaking experience in my life.
We got a hand and footprint card with his stats but the hospital didn't ask us if we wanted any photos. As a result, we only have one photo of Damani, which we forever cherish, but has been my biggest regret. We don't have bereavement suites here, but we got a tiny room to say goodbye for a few minutes. I wish I held him longer. I wish we were told things we didn't know until now— like taking his blanket and hat off, to really look at him. I'll forever feel robbed of that experience.
Damani made me a mother and I'm forever grateful for the short life he lived.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and 1 in 8 couples are walking through infertility. With so many women being affected by these issues, there is power in telling your story. What was the turning point for you to feel safe enough to share your own journey?
A. For me, it was realizing how deafening the silence was in Jamaica. There are a lack of resources here for persons who have experienced the same type of pain. Also, someone once told me that there is strength in being vulnerable, and that has forever changed me.
Everyone grieves differently. What has helped you to heal and process your grief?
A. Sharing about my grief. Sitting in my grief when it is heavy. Honouring my son on social media has also helped me.
Was there ever a time someone said something insensitive to you about your pregnancy, pregnancy-loss, or infertility? Knowing what you know now, how would you respond?
A. Some people may have good intentions, but they don't think about how their words may hurt someone before they speak. I would say, before you say something to someone going through a traumatic experience, think about how what you say. Words can validate or invalidate someone’s personal experience. I would also say, if you don't know what to say, Google is your friend!
Every woman who opens her heart to have children is a mother. What is your favorite thing about motherhood? What has loss or infertility taught you about motherhood?
A. My favourite thing about motherhood is honouring my child's memory. As a bereaved mama, I still mother my child, it just looks different. Instead of protecting him, I'm protecting his memory and his legacy.
How are you using your gifts to lift others up who are walking through pregnancy loss, infertility, or other pregnancy-related issues?
A. Created #BabyLossInJamaica and formed a cause surrounding it to break the silence and stigma in Jamaica. I am also currently in the process of getting 4Damani registered so that more can be accomplished. My vision is a Jamaica where less babies die, and one where there's a grief support network for persons to never feel alone.
Grief and loss, especially with miscarriage, infertility, and pregnancy-loss, can feel very isolating. What is something you would say to yourself in the first days after your loss?
A. I used to say time will heal. But I realized time is just teaching me how get through this pain.
Thank you, Noble Mother
Many thanks to Crystal-Gayle for having the strength and bravery to share her story with this community. If you would like to submit your own story for our Noble Mothers series, please fill out our submission by clicking the button below.
There is power in the story.
Here at The Noble Paperie, we want to continue to support our community while lifting others up. Are you a mama or do you know one who would be a good fit for our Noble Mothers series? Feel free to comment here, or drop us a line at hello@thenoblepaperie.com. We would love to hear what you think!
xoxo,
