NOBLE MOTHERS: KIERSTEN PETERSON
Here at The Noble Paperie, we want to become a brand that is more than just selling products. We want to support and inspire this community. And we want to do this by lifting up other women that are willing to share their journey through loss. These women are Noble Mothers: they are making an impact in the miscarriage, pregnancy and infant-loss, and infertility communities. We are excited to share our first Noble Mother with you — Kiersten Peterson. Below, you will find her story.
I'm Kiersten, mama to our beautiful baby girl through adoption and four babies in heaven, as well as our two sweet rescue dogs. I'm an army wife married to my high school sweetheart and we currently live in the DC area. Our journey to parenthood started about three years ago, when, after years of loving life just the two of us and not knowing for certain we'd ever want kids, both of us came to the conclusion that we were ready to grow our family at the same time. But, since he was deploying in about a month, we decided to wait until after he got back.
Fast forward 10 months, he came home and we started trying. We were blessed to become pregnant fairly quickly and found out in January of 2017 that we were pregnant. Everything was going great with the pregnancy and we got to see our little baby and hear their beautiful heartbeat twice before, on April 4th at exactly 14 weeks, we found out we'd lost our sweet babe. I delivered him at the hospital, and upon finding out he was a he, a perfect little boy who looked exactly as a 14 week baby should, we named him Ellis Ford.
All the testing came back normal and no one could tell us why we lost him. The doctors deemed it an 'IUFD" or intrauterine fetal demise... I still can't hear the word "demise" without cringing. After taking some time to heal, we got pregnant again fairly quickly. This time, at our first appointment around 7 weeks, our baby was measuring behind and their heartbeat was slow and faint. We prayed for a miracle, but when we went back to the doctor a few days later, we found out we'd lost another baby. Baby Pea, as we affectionately nicknamed this baby, left my body about a month later.
Because we'd only lost two babies at this point, they wouldn't do any further testing on us. So we kept trying, hoping for a better outcome. But our third pregnancy ended much the same as our second... we went in for our first appointment at about 7 weeks, found out our baby was measuring about a week behind and didn't have a heartbeat. Despite taking medication to induce the miscarriage to try to avoid a month of being pregnant with a baby who is no longer living like the last time, it took about three weeks for Little Bean, again what we called our baby while I was pregnant, to leave my body.
Now that we had lost three babies we were able to do all the testing for recurrent pregnancy loss - a hysterosalpingogram (or HSG) and testing for antiphospholipid syndrome and balanced translocation. Everything came back normal. I was put on baby aspirin when we started trying again, and progesterone suppositories once I got pregnant. We were so convinced this fourth baby would be our rainbow baby. But on October 2, 2018, at our first appointment, instead of a living 11.5 week baby, we had a just shy of 8 week little baby with no heartbeat. We decided to go with the D&C this time in part because of the long, grueling process of miscarrying naturally we'd been through the previous two times, and in part because my doctor wanted to be able to test the baby's chromosomes. When the karyotype testing came back, it revealed that we had a perfectly healthy little girl. We named her Faith.
We have no answers as to what caused us to lose four babies, but after losing Faith, we felt like we were being led to grow our family through adoption. We officially started the adoption process in December of 2018, completed our home study in January 2019, and became an active family in February. Less than 24 hours after becoming active, we were chosen to be the parents of a little girl, born three days earlier at 31 weeks, by her brave birth mom. Four days after that, we met our precious little girl and it was the most surreal, joyful, heartbreaking thing.
I don’t know that I believe in the platitudes you commonly hear when dealing with infertility or miscarriage like “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a plan,” although I know for certain they aren’t helpful in the moment. But now, on the other side of all of that pain and loss, it does feel like everything we went through was leading us to our Parker Bree and her birth mom and preparing us to welcome them both into our family and love them the way they deserve to be loved.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and 1 in 8 couples are walking through infertility. With so many women being affected by these issues, there is power in telling your story. What was the turning point for you to feel safe enough to share your own journey?
A. I shared the story of our first baby, Ellis, just two weeks after we lost him. I think this was in part inspired by the few stories I'd read online from other women who had experienced pregnancy loss. But more than anything, I just felt the Lord calling me to share. I don't know that I felt safe, but He gave me the strength anyway. And sharing our story has been such a therapeutic, healing experience for me that I am so grateful for.
Everyone grieves differently. What has helped you to heal and process your grief?
A. Sharing our story was incredibly helpful in processing my grief. Writing down our babies' stories and putting the mess of thoughts and feelings on paper helped me to figure out how to move forward. It also helped me find some purpose in all the pain. When I shared our stories and then people felt that they could reach out to me and share their own story of loss, it gave our babies' short lives meaning that I could tangibly see. I will also shout from the rooftops the endless benefits of therapy. Having an unbiased person to talk things out with has helped me immensely on our journey.
Was there ever a time someone said something insensitive to you about your pregnancy, pregnancy-loss, or infertility? Knowing what you know now, how would you respond?
A. It's not a question about pregnancy loss or infertility specifically, but I really hate the question "do you have any kids?" I know this is a very common, seemingly harmless, "getting to know you" type of question. But for someone who wants kids and doesn't have them yet for whatever reason (or even someone who just doesn't want kids) this question can bring up a lot of feelings. Prior to having Parker, I’d sometimes simply say "no" or sometimes I'd answer very honestly and say "yes, we have four babies in heaven." It’s easier now that we have Parker because people don’t ask this question anymore, but they do sometimes ask if she’s our first and that’s not the easiest question to answer either.
Every woman who opens her heart to have children is a mother. What is your favorite thing about motherhood? What has loss or infertility taught you about motherhood?
A. I've learned that motherhood is a gift, not something we are entitled to. It is something to be cherished, something to be grateful for, a blessing to be used for the glory of God. In my heart I have been a mother since we found out Ellis was growing in my womb almost three years ago, but now that I have the privilege of also living out my motherhood in the tangible way that is parenting an earth-side child, I know just how hard it can be. And while infertility and loss can provide some incredibly important perspective for those tough parenthood moments, it’s still okay to need a break sometimes and to ask for help. We weren’t meant to do any part of parenting alone. We need others to come alongside us in our losses and fertility struggles and we need them to come alongside us in parenting our earth-side children.
How are you using your gifts to lift others up who are walking through pregnancy loss, infertility, or other pregnancy-related issues?
A. I believe God gave me a kind, generous heart and a way with words. While I don’t always do the best job of fostering these gifts, I try to lift others up through sharing our story on my website and social media, and providing the opportunity for others to share theirs if they would like to. I also love to send little gifts to friends I know who are struggling with these types of issues because so many people are afraid to say or do anything and it can make you feel alone and overlooked; things like flowers, cards like those from The Noble Paperie of course, and anything that memorializes the child(ren) they lost.
Grief and loss, especially with miscarriage, infertility, and pregnancy-loss, can feel very isolating. What is something you would say to yourself in the first days after your loss?
A. You are not alone, and you don't have to go through this alone. Don't be afraid to reach out to others and ask for help. And don't be afraid to cry out to God in your pain. It's okay to be angry with Him, to feel hurt and let down. Bring that all to Him. He wants to meet you in your pain. It is there that He can start to mend your broken heart.
I hope our story can bring someone hope like so many stories did for me when things felt hopeless. I don’t believe that we’re guaranteed a baby in this life, but I believe that God truly does want to give His children the desires of our hearts when those desires align with His will. Sometimes though, the path that leads to those desires being fulfilled looks VERY different than we imagine. But in my experience, it’s even better.
Thank you, Noble Mother
Many thanks to Kiersten for having the strength and bravery to share her story with this community. Be sure to follow Kiersten on Instagram for more mothering, miscarriage, and all the moments in between.
There is power in the story.
Here at The Noble Paperie, we want to continue to support our community while lifting others up. Are you a mama or do you know one who would be a good fit for our Noble Mothers series? Feel free to comment here, or drop us a line at hello@thenoblepaperie.com. We would love to hear what you think!
xoxo,
