NOBLE MOTHERS: KRYSTAL FINNERAN
Here at The Noble Paperie, we want to become a brand that is more than just selling products. We want to support and inspire this community. And we want to do this by lifting up other women that are willing to share their journey through loss. These women are Noble Mothers: they are making an impact in the miscarriage, pregnancy and infant-loss, and infertility communities. We are excited to share our next Noble Mother with you — Krystal Finneran. Below, you will find her story.
My story of motherhood started out when I was 30. Perhaps earlier, when I realized I only wanted one child (joke was on me!) We became pregnant with our first son Daxton + gave birth to him 40 weeks to the day, on December 4, 2016. He is the true definition of a sunshine baby. Often, I look to him for my strength. He is a beautiful little boy who lights up our world. However, nothing could have prepared me for what would happen the next two pregnancies.
In February of 2018, we found out we were pregnant with our second son. Our sweet boy, that sadly, we had to say goodbye to the moment we said hello. This was a big surprise, and I struggled with every pregnancy symptom in the book. I wasn’t just pregnancy sick, I was SICK-sick. There were days I could barely move, and I was simultaneously trying my best to take care of my 19-month son Daxton and my husband.
At around 16 weeks, I finally started feeling a bit better. Then week 17 came, and everything changed. I started spotting and went for an ultrasound. They found that my cervix was long and closed. I was in the clear — or so I thought. Later that week, I was having more spotting and, what I had assumed at the time, were braxton hicks contractions which were running about three minutes apart. I did everything that I should have done: I laid on my left side, I chugged water, and rested. I called my midwife who advised me to get to the hospital. I felt a gush of fluid on my drive up and I was terrified to even look down. I arrived in the parking lot a few minutes after 11pm and felt another gush of amniotic fluid run down my leg. The doctor on-call looked at me and said “I am sorry… but you are going to lose the baby”. Those are words you never want to hear, especially in the place you are employed.
My husband was still at home with our son Daxton because I had expected to be coming home later that night. I never expected this. Around 12:05 AM the doctor brought the ultrasound in and sure enough, our baby boy’s heart was still beating. I got up to go use the bathroom, and that is when our boy arrived. On Friday, June 8, 2018 at 12:15 AM, we welcomed our beautiful boy into this earth so unexpectedly. He was supposed to arrive on November 13th, and was born 5 months too early.
My body was in a state of pure shock. At almost 18 weeks gestation, our baby boy was just too small to survive. I felt like I failed him. My body failed him. I was so thankful for the nurses that were with me during that awful period of time until my husband got to the hospital. The nurses baptized him and brought him into us, and that will be a memory embedded in my mind forever. His beautiful fingers. His top lip that curled up just slightly like his brother’s. How he looked so perfect. Just so small. How can this be real life? We should not be planning a funeral. I looked down at my stomach, so quickly it was just gone. I will never forget that feeling.
We laid our son to rest along with his great Uncle David, who passed away when he was 2 years old, and my grandparents. In my heart, I felt that was where he was safest, and I knew that alongside God, he was in good hands. How my faith was not shaken, I am not sure. The day we buried him, my heart broke as I wheeled his brother in his stroller onto the cemetery ground. It will kill us, the day we have to tell Daxton about about the brother we thought would come home with us.
The aftermath that followed was rough as well. The digging. The placental report stating that I had chorioamnionitis, placental abruption, and premature rupture of my membranes. I also had a history of subchorionic hemorrhages. The baby’s umbilical cord was also infected. Ultimately, I had answers as to why we lost our son: an infection in my amniotic fluid that caused my water to break.
Our third pregnancy began in November of 2019. I was seeing a specialist, after what had happened to us, and this time around, everything was absolutely normal. There was no WAY we would deal with another loss. I had a small subchorionic hemorrhage and it was resolved early. We saw a beautiful heartbeat and for sure thought this was our rainbow. Then, On New Years Eve, to our surprise... no heartbeat. Although I was almost 11 weeks pregnant, the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. We did eventually find out that our third baby, a sweet girl, was diagnosed with Turners Syndrome.
On my end, I am in perfect health. Every lab test is shows no abnormalities. Every scan is routine with no issues. We chalk it up to a really bad string of luck. For now, this is our new normal. Surviving. One day at a time. I heard the quote “Grief is just love with nowhere to go” and that really resonated with us. We will always acknowledge our babies, here or not. Our life is forever split into a before and after. You do not “get over” such things in life; I think it means you have stopped loving if you do. Our love is always there, just in the form of grief. While nothing will ever heal my broken heart, I hope I can provide healing to others who have to endure this nightmare.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and 1 in 8 couples are walking through infertility. With so many women being affected by these issues, there is power in telling your story. What was the turning point for you to feel safe enough to share your own journey?
A. The turning point for me was when I realized how many couples struggle in silence and hold this pain in. Writing and telling our story provided me with an outlet to express my grief.
Everyone grieves differently. What has helped you to heal and process your grief?
A. It has really helped me to write and following infant and child loss advocates on Instagram. I try to spend time outdoors with our son Daxton as much as possible. I also started doing film photography for a hobby.
Was there ever a time someone said something insensitive to you about your pregnancy, pregnancy-loss, or infertility? Knowing what you know now, how would you respond?
A. No one can ever understand the pain in a grieving parent’s heart, other than parents who have walked through this experience. The ignorance is real, and it is OUT there. We have been in situations where we felt completely betrayed. However, the support we have received throughout our journey, far outweighs the negative experiences. We are lucky to have a lot of great people in our corner.
Every woman who opens her heart to have children is a mother. What is your favorite thing about motherhood? What has loss or infertility taught you about motherhood?
A. My favorite thing about motherhood is the sense of community. Daxton challenges me everyday and makes me look at the world in a unique way through his eyes. My two losses have taught me just how precious every life is. These experiences have also made me realize I will do anything to protect my children!
How are you using your gifts to lift others up who are walking through pregnancy loss, infertility, or other pregnancy-related issues?
A. I help hold a local support group each month called Sweet Grace Ministries. Sweet Grace Ministries offers resources to families enduring ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, life limiting diagnosis, and infant death. They offer help and support in the form of baskets, comfort bags, photography, support groups, remembrance events, mentor couples, and more.
Grief and loss, especially with miscarriage, infertility, and pregnancy-loss, can feel very isolating. What is something you would say to yourself in the first days after your loss?
A. Plain and simple... you are not alone. The loss community is HUGE. Although the club is an ugly one to belong to, I have met the most amazing individuals on our journey.
Thank you, Noble Mother
Many thanks to Krystal for having the strength and bravery to share her story with this community. If you would like to submit your own story for our Noble Mothers series, please fill out our submission by clicking the button below.
There is power in the story.
Here at The Noble Paperie, we want to continue to support our community while lifting others up. Are you a mama or do you know one who would be a good fit for our Noble Mothers series? Feel free to comment here, or drop us a line at hello@thenoblepaperie.com. We would love to hear what you think!
xoxo,
